Predictable when you initiate sex? You just very well may be. Do you think what worked for you when you first started dating works just as well years later? You may be turning your partner off before you even get started.
We may have been together for years, and yet we often shy away from talking about sex. We especially shy away from talking about how we wish our partner would initiate sex, often because we may be embarrassed, or don’t want to hurt their feelings. Does this sound like you?
What Turned Them on Initially May Be a Turn-off Later
We discuss the menu in a restaurant, but are hesitant to discuss what we secretly long for when it comes to how our partner comes on to us. Predictability and great sex do not go together. Our brains hate boredom, so what was great the first few times around could set your partner’s teeth on edge as time goes by.
What Makes Your Partner Hot for You?
Research shows that many people have only a vague idea of what works for their partner (MacNeil & Byers, 2005), and others are just way off base (Muise et al, 2016). We may assume that our partner is not interested in having sex when they actually are, or that they like to be stimulated in the same way we do. Are you getting rejected? Your sexual advances may actually only be getting rejected because you don’t know what truly arouses your partner, and not because your partner doesn’t want sex.
How do You Want Your Partner to Initiate Sex?
According to The Initiation Scale of Arousal research conducted by Petra Zebroff, The Journal of Sex Research, June 2021, there are five different preference styles when it comes to how we want sex to be initiated. Just as with the Erotic Libido Types developed by the Australian sex therapist Sandra Pertot, PhD, and adapted by sex therapist and neuroscientist; Nan Wise, PhD as the Erotic Fingerprint, the way you want sex to start could be one of or a combination of several styles. The following describes five of these styles.
What Style Turns You On?
Look over the following five categories with your partner to see which of them turn you on. You may be surprised to find you have differing initiation preferences. Yet, once you have identified what they are, you can talk to your partner about how to integrate them into your love making.
1. Emotional Connection Style
If this is you, then you respond to romantic gestures and conversations in which you genuinely feel heard by your partner. Feeling ‘in-sync’ with your lover is highly arousing to you. Demonstrations of love and sharing are big turn-ons. Having your partner’s complete attention allows you to “let go” and feel aroused and open to your sexuality.
- Favorite sexual starter: A shared moment or intimate conversation.
a) prioritizing each other and showing thoughtfulness
b) playing games and laughing together
c) sharing intimate details about ourselves and feeling heard and validated
d) letting you know you are accepted for who you are - Partners: The ideal partner for you has a good sense of self and can share being emotional and vulnerable with you.
- Turn-offs: A typical turn-off for you would be if your partner were distant, withheld connection to you or is difficult to read emotionally. You crave connection. While every type experiences this emotional bonding at the beginning of a relationship, you are driven to continuously bond with your partner even after that initial ‘in-love’ feeling has passed. Your erotic energy is focused on a connection to one specific lover, regardless of which sexual acts are performed or which environment you’re in.
2. The Provocative Seduction Style
You get turned on by the game of desire. There is nothing more arousing to you than being seen as sexy by your partner, or by having your partner show how aroused you make him/her. Being desired allows you to feel powerfully erotic. Your arousal is intensified by seeing and feeling desire with your lover.
- Favorite sexual starter: You only need an admiring look or comment to get your juices flowing. Seeing your partner’s arousal because he or she thinks you are sexy is your biggest turn-on.
a) sexting or sending sexy pictures or voice messages
b) teasing by using double entendres and sexy language
c) letting you know in detail what is so sexy about you (taste, smell, body part, facial expression, voice, etc.)
d) letting them know how desirable they are - Partners: You look for those lovers who will let you know how desirable you are.
- Turn-offs: A big turn-off for you is being ignored or having your sexual advances turned down. You get turned on from seeing your partner’s desire for you. It is important to you that you are at the center of your partner’s sexuality.
3. The Power Play Style
You are drawn to the tension that either comes from submitting to your partner or that comes from wielding power over your partner. Confidence and urgency turn you on.
- Favorite sexual starters: You want a lover who takes charge. Rough and forceful are arousing to you.
a) undressing your partner
b) passionately kissing your partner
c) pushing your partner onto the bed, against the table or counter; against the wall
d) using ties or scarves to tie and/or blindfold you, or making you strip while being admired - Partner: Someone who shows confidence and desire. Someone who can read your cues — and knows when to keep going and when to slow down.
- Turn-offs: The biggest turn off for you is being asked what should be done next. You want your lover to act with confidence and to show you how much you are wanted, all the while paying attention to your cues.
4. The Sensual Touch Style
Eroticism comes to life when you can lose yourself in the moment. What can be touched, seen, sensed and felt is paramount to your sexual experience. Orgasm is a strong motivating factor. You get turned on from the senses. Physical sensations and the “feel” of sex is the most important part of sex. Touch, sight, smell and taste are what arouse you.
- Favorite sexual starter: a sensual massage
a) touching throughout the day
b) extensive kissing and foreplay sessions
c) being woken up with kisses or sexual touch
d) slow dancing to sensual music
e) a candlelight dinner at home or a candlelight bath - Partner: Your ideal partner is one who encourages a gradual pace, whole-body touch and a letting go
- Turn-offs: A typical turn-off for you is a rushed pace or a talkative partner who doesn’t allow you to drown in your senses.
5. The Sex Talk Style
You get aroused by hearing your partner get sexually explicit. You get aroused when your partner tells, in very direct language, you how sexy you are or exactly what he/she will do to you.
- Favorite sexual starter: Talks dirty to you
a) sends you random sexts
b) tells you erotic stories
c) describes, in detail, exactly what he/she will do to you - Partner: Your ideal partner is one who doesn’t hold back but knows exactly what to say to make sex super arousing for you.
- Turn-offs: A huge turn-off for you is someone who stays silent during sex.
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